OH, RATS!

Pirate Radio

Mon, 09 Nov 2009 09:48:11 GMT

Way back when I wuz a kid, and continuing until about 15 years ago, it's no secret that I was a professional radio pirate. Not because I wanted to be, but because I had to be. The list of stations rejecting me, purely because of the music I play, would fill an almanac.

So, I am happy to see a 2nd entry in the movie category of films with a pirate radio theme.

Pirate Radio The Movie

If you take his suit and tie off, this could easily be me circa 1968, with 45's in a cardboard box, and a homemade transmitter that reached to the ocean. It's nice to see the director payed attention to detail.

While this one centers on British pirates, the theme is the same. They are "pirates" only because the government won't allow them on the air. Through the years, I've communicated with a few British pirates and they have lots of contempt with the US. Because while their government eventually accommodated them, ours didn't, and continues to prosecute.

It never makes corporate news. The corporations don't want you to know anything about this. But pirates still exist here, and get busted regularly.

According to a watchdog group, this past decade the FCC dispatched officers 2,084 times, which resulted in 120 Raids with guns drawn, 121 seizures, and 908 "friendly visits," which netted the government $22,211,750.00 in fines!

For the most part, these are kids who only wanted to play music that they can't hear on the corporate airwaves. These are young adults who were told by their local radio stations that there's no room for them, even if they wanna work for free. I know ... I've fuckin' been there!

In most cases, the $22 million in fines were paid by their respective parents, in order to avoid a threat by the FCC to send their kid to a stiff, 2 year prison sentence, should it end up in a federal court.

And in most cases, these guys weren't even interfering with a licensed station. They were just competing, like I was, on an unused frequency.

Please join me in watching my autobiography.

I'm A Lumberjack And I'm OK...

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 10:28:37 GMT

Wonder what color the neon is?

LJ Supports The Fundys In Maine?

Tue, 03 Nov 2009 08:18:43 GMT

Dear LJ:

I realize that money is tight, what with the US dollars going over to China after they bribed out elected representatives, but did you have to stoop so low as the accept money from Racist Fundys in Maine?

I guess an argument could be made that they're spending their advertising money unwisely, to a group of mostly liberal free-thinkers that ain't racist. But I'm so sick of hearing them compare Gay marriage to the indoctrination of a 5 year old, I wanna puke.

I am not a "radical homosexual activist" but I think two adults who love each other, should be able to marry, and not be second class citizens.

If these dudes don't like Gays, fine! Then they should get out of Maine and go back to where they live: In their churches in Utah.

And anyway, why are they including this line: Please make a generous contribution NOW and help us fight back against the indoctrination of gay marriage in the classroom.

The last time I looked, the Mormon church was decked out in solid gold. They ain't hurtin' for money.

Click To Enlarge

Available For Dates

Fri, 30 Oct 2009 22:38:22 GMT

Meet Heinz Muller from Germany. He's available for dates and whatever else you might want. His trouble started when spent all his money to travel to Brazil. There, he pitched woo with a Brazilian woman he met on the internet. Apparently he ain't too good in bed, so she dumped him after the first encounter.

So now he's stuck at the airport in Campinas, Brazil...penniless, hungry, alone, and open to suggestions.

Gee, if only he had a beard...

Heinz Muller, abandoned

Finally---Wheelchair Outlawz, The Movie

Mon, 26 Oct 2009 08:49:27 GMT

Well, it's been several weeks since I posted the preview. The actual video has been experiencing mucho problemo as I try to compose it on our decade-old mac, which is on it's last legs. So, rather than wait to make upgrades, I'll just release it, with acknowledged weirdness.

This first, rough draft version has too many "whoas" and there's a black spot in the middle where a software error occurred.

But overall, it was a fun video to film, and features a couple of recruitable neighborhood kids. I especially like the "Chipmunk" sound that emanates from the raw video, and I was impressed on how well I could mix various sounds into a montage, since i-movie gives you 3 channels of audio to play with. Who knows? I might become another Phil Spector....

Special thanks to bikerbaer for the encouragement.

Cool Kitty

Sun, 25 Oct 2009 07:32:46 GMT

Amazing what you can do with artificial cat arms and a totally compliant cat.

Writer's Block: The Kid In The Commune

Wed, 21 Oct 2009 07:15:16 GMT

If your best friend asked you OR your partner to help you conceive a child, would you consider it? How do you think it would affect your friendship and your relationship?

Submitted By moho2987

View 967 Answers

I'm gonna answer that by reflecting back to my Los Angeles days.

I was just after The Summer Of Love. I was looking for parts for a 1957 IHC bread truck, which brought me, via a classified ad, to what amounted to be a Hippie Commune. Sure enough, they had a good rear axle. A young dude with blond hair down to his butt bargained with me.

And then someone caught my eye. It was an androgynous kid, about 16, with bruises on his face, including the remains of a black eye. Most sores were healing up, but I could tell that this kid had really been beaten, and hard. So I asked the obvious question. The response from the Hippie, floored me:

"We found him on Hollywood Blvd. last night, and just in time. He was trying to sell his body in exchange for food. Turns out, his parents kicked him out of their house for being Gay. His dad gave him the shiner as a going away present. He hitchhiked all the way from North Carolina to Hollywood. I'm not Gay, but I guess I'm his dad now."

The Hippie wrapped his arm around the boy's shoulders in solidarity.

It's the only time I paid more for a part, than what was asked.

Gay Commercial TV ADS?!

Sun, 18 Oct 2009 08:33:40 GMT

So we're watching old Star Trek episodes on a local San Francisco TV station, but it's what comes on during commercial breaks that's the most interesting part.

Slickly produced TV ads promoting same sex dating?!

My, this would be unheard of a decade ago! While Gay newspapers would be chock full of muscle-bound ads for sex and dating to a specific targeted audience, running ads showing muscular stud-types grinning their white teeth to the general public, was considered taboo!

Maybe the times have changed, but I can imagine the station being subjected to many an angry phone call from fundys once they find out about this.

It has the air of a Mafiosi organization with mostly white, clean-cut wholesome types until you sample some of their commercials on you tube. There you'll find commercials for other cities as well, including New Mexico featuring mostly Hispanics, speaking English with Spanish accents.

Clean-cut Hispanics, of course. Anybody with a sizable beard is totally taboo in Mafia porn and TV advertising.

GRRR!

It's Gettin' To Look Alot Like Halloween....

Sat, 17 Oct 2009 09:37:56 GMT

Hail Allah!

My radio partner sez he wants to dress up as a Republican for Halloween. Sure enough, this would be scary. But I think I may opt to be a Muslim woman in a Bouqua.

Scariest thing I ever saw...

Wheelchair Outlawz Is Cumming!

Mon, 12 Oct 2009 07:19:09 GMT

Last week I got an urgent email from an elderly lady: "Help! I need my scooter repaired, and the ripoff company says they'll charge me $85 an hour ... just in labor!"

Well, I repair jukeboxes and old radios. Can I repair a motorized wheel chair?

You bet!

To introduce you to correct terminology, it's called a scooter. Yeah, I know "scooter" is generally assigned to certain kinds of motorcycles, but that's what it's called. It may look like an electric wheelchair, but that's not what it's called. In fact, it's got 2 driven rear wheels and a single front wheel with handlebars, so it could be called a trike, but no ... it's called a "scooter."

And so, when I wrote bikerbaer and told him of my latest acquisition, and the idea that I should get some pictures of me souping it up, he responded with: "Get Rat to shoot some video of you terrorizing the neighborhood with the motorized wheelchair. That I've gotta see!"

I agree! So this week was spent shooting some video in competition with the neighborhood kids. What got me, however, was the first scene. I can assure you that is my real voice. It is not altered in any way, whatsoever.

And it makes an ... interesting preview.

Goodbye Mr. Marcus

Sat, 10 Oct 2009 00:39:03 GMT

When it comes to a Club Mud supporter, Mr. Marcus was a king. He helped us out so much that I even put him in the book version of "Outlaw Bikers In Love."

We did a Club Mud benefit event up here on the river for SF AIDS Emergency Fund, that garnered attendees as far away as Germany & Holland, all due to Marcus' column. And afterward, a couple of front-page photos in BAR was the icing on the cake. It was with pride that I walked into Russian River News, and placed a copy of BAR on the editors desk. I smiled and emoted "Hey look: Front page!" The editor smiled back and said: "Small town makes big news with mud czar's help."

Mr. Marcus, you were a wonderful friend and a supporter. We're all gonna miss ya deeply.

Much more detailed BAR article is here.

Fun With Discipline

Wed, 07 Oct 2009 09:39:47 GMT

Congratulations: Judge Herman Thomas. Thomas is accused of giving young men special reduced sentences if they submit to His Honor. Several felons have confessed that the good judge enjoyed taking a paddle and spanking them in his back room chambers. Judge Thomas insists he is innocent, and was only trying to "mentor" the inmates.

First, there were reports of inmates having to pull down their underwear for spankings with a wooden paddle.

OUCH !

Then came allegations of oral and anal sex, according to court records.

Jail checkout records, back up inmates' claims about trips to Thomas' private office, and some inmates, it was noted, had spotted red marks on their buttocks. There also is other evidence, according to court records ... including a strange seminal fluid on the office carpet ... and it wasn't from mudcub or Monica! The inmates were also able to describe in detail, Thomas' unmarked windowless office and his private car.

All in all, 15 inmates have come foreward to testify that they had sex with the judge.

Judge Herman Thomas, In Trouble With The
Law And Wearing An Un-masculine Bow Tie.

Fun With Horns

Sun, 04 Oct 2009 09:35:49 GMT

It was 1982, And Toni Basil was topping the charts. It was a late Friday night in San Francisco. I was in the back of my TV repair shop, relaxing. I sipped on a coke as Johnny Carson started his monolog.

Then, suddenly, I heard it. !!♪♬ ♬♪!! It wasn't hard to miss. Someone was leaning on their car horn. I tried to ignore it, but the sheer volume made it impossible. Where ever it was, it was close.

A minute passed with no letup, so I decided to investigate.

There, parked almost in front of my store, was a huge, late model Buick. It was parked perfectly, but the occupant ... wasn't. In fact, he was unconscious, leaning his head on the steering wheel.

I banged on the window. An eye opened, but not much more. On the passenger seat, a half-empty bottle of Seagrams awaited further consumption. I banged a few more times to no avail.

Out of ideas, I went back inside to call 911:

"There's a drunk passed out in his car and the horn is blasting!"
"Is he in traffic?"
"No, he's parked in front of my store."
"The car is parked?"
"Yes."
"It's not blocking traffic?"
"No."
"Sir, this is a really busy Friday night. We will get to it when we can."

Not exactly thrilled with SFPD, I went back out and pounded some more on the window. Opening up the hood came to mind, but I was certain that this was one of those fancy, expensive cars with an internal hood latch. And with the windows rolled up, I wasn't getting in unless I found a baseball bat.

Just at that point, who should come downstairs from the upstairs apartments, but Lil' Gary. Without even batting a eyelash, he goes to the front of the car, opens the hood and pulls the horn wires. It's like he knows the car intimately. The whole operation takes about 60 seconds.

It was one of those Why didn't I think of that? moments, and I gave Gary a big bearhug.

Later he would give me a big shower.

Still later, he'd be living below Leather Bear.

Still still later, he would marry bikerbaer.

Fun With Cops At Cal Expo

Fri, 25 Sep 2009 09:26:11 GMT

Those of you who know me well, know that I ain't a big fan of cops. Mostly, they either cost me money or get in my way. While people get murdered, cops are usually busy writing me traffic tickets or treating me like dung.

So there I was at Cal Expo in Sacramento: The reason I was there, was this big fountain. And at 100º outside, people were jumping in.

Ooh! Porno for Duke!!

Cal Expo's huge outdoor sound system continued to pump soft, go-to-sleep, non-rock favorites from John Denver and the OST album of Annie Get Your Gun. Periodically a tape would play inviting people to see an official Cal Expo sanctioned stage show of "Hair."

So, the sun is getting low, they announce the show is in 10 minutes, and I think: "Hey, what the fuck, it's free."

BAD IDEA!

Now, I don't need to tell you "Hair" is about Hippies. Marijuana, Free Love, Liberalism...you know...all those things that conservatives and cops and especially corporate types who run fairs...hate. So why was Cal Expo sanctioning this?

In fact there were numerous posted signs at the entrance, warning people specifically not to bring in Marijuana. Speed, coke, crank, even shrooms were not mentioned on the sign...and therefore (according to the sign) OK to bring in and ingest...Just make sure you keep your weed away.

So, as they broke into a chorus of "This is the dawning of the age of aquarius" it didn't surprise me when a few people started sharing a joint. By the time it got to the person in front of me, it was down to Roach Size, and I didn't want to burn my mustache, so I declined an offer.

Throughout the play, smoke emanated from various areas, in total violation of the entrance sign. But it never got close to me again.

So...the show's over, the people are applauding, and suddenly I feel a hand around my shoulder. It's a cop. He says in no uncertain terms: "Come with me."

Whereupon I was escorted to the very building that housed the same Altec amplifiers, that told everybody about how wonderful it would be to see their crummy little play.

He made me empty my pockets, looked at my license, checked for warrants, and informed my that I had been seen smoking that evil Marijuana that they warned me about.

I kept my cool, and suggested that he had me mixed up with someone else. It didn't phase him. I asked him for a breathalyzer test, to prove that I wasn't high. No dice.

I explained to him that I had observed numerous people who lit up and smoked Marijuana during the show (which promoted the smoking of Marijuana) but none of the smoke came from me. It fell on deaf ears.

So, some 15 minutes later, I heard the radio come back with my name and "No record, no warrants" attached to it. He reluctantly gave me back my license. I envisioned his wang growing limp.

Unbelievable to me, I still kept my cool, and told him he had the wrong person, no poof of anything, and if he'd let me go, he would never see me again. I bit my tongue. I wanted to include "OR I'LL SUE YOU FOR FALSE ARREST!"

It was a standoff. He agreed. I finished looking around and left the fairgrounds. I never went back.

It's bad cops like him that make all cops look like pure, unadulterated, thugs.

Writer's Block: Would you sell out for reality TV stardom?

Thu, 17 Sep 2009 09:46:16 GMT

For what amount of money (if any) would you consider appearing on a reality TV show? Which one?

View 230 Answers

Oddly enough, I've been invited to a TV show. For sometime now I've been posting videos at youtube, some of which feature my beardliness.

So imagine my glee when I get a letter earlier this year inviting me to The Maury Show. But then imagine my disgust when I read said letter:

Hi, my name is ---- and I work for The Maury Show.

I was browsing around youtube looking for male candidates that have long hair. I came across your video and am interested in having you on The Maury Show.

We will be doing a MAKEOVER show and was wondering if you'd consider cutting your hair and beard and donating it to Locks of Love on TV! We will give you an amazing makeover!

It will be fun!!

Oh, yeah! It will be LOTS of fun! I wonder if Maury's staffer would find it as much fun if it was her head being shaved?

Happy to say, I declined. But then a few weeks later we were watching Deal Or No Deal. As everyone knows, the only purpose for a beard on TV is to be shaved so you can look like everyone else and help sell commercial products. And so, out of maybe 500 shows with clean-cut contestants, they finally get a dude with a beard.

Amazing!

Of course, the first thing they do is offer him $5,000 to shave it on TV. He counters it with $10,000 and they agree. The next thing you know his beard's history and NBC makes up the loss with a $50,000 TV commercial for Gilette.

So to put it bluntly: NO! I ain't interested in doing anything on TV, ever!

I HATE suits and ties; I HATE corporations, I HATE TV!!

Scary Halloween Tale

Sun, 13 Sep 2009 09:08:02 GMT

So I knew bikerbaer would be excited if he was in the middle of what I was in: A storm brought on by a former hurricane that had drifted this way. But this was no ordinary storm. This was eerie. Though it was the middle of the night, a large part the sky was red. Weird looking billowy white clouds loomed overhead like a scene from some alien spaceship movie.

When the lightning came, it illuminated the sky into a grotesque eye-gouging artwork of possible alien craft. And the lightning was intense: A strobe-like strike every 30 seconds or so.

It took many seconds for the thunder to approach, thus telling me the storm was far away, and I was most likely safe. Or at least I thought I was, until an hour later.

As the house lights flashed, and another thunderbolt arced through the sky, I heard it. At first I thought it was Rat, stirring in the middle of the night. But he was sound asleep with the door closed. Then the noise came again: A scratching noise, and then something falling, coming from outside, in the back. We do have a crawl space under the house, big enough for a human to fit in. A piece of wood needs to be removed for access, and animals have been known to seek shelter occasionally. But if this noise came from an animal, it was a BIG animal!

I grabbed the flashlight. Chills razored up my spine as I opened the back door. What would I find? Was there a deranged man with a gun trying to hide from the cops? Was there a big hungry bear? A ghost?

Just then, another burst of lightning lit up the outside like a long, pulsating strobe light, adding to my paranoia.

Finally shining the light on the house, I could see that the wood had been moved, slightly. Something was in the back yard! I took a 360 with the flashlight: Nothing appeared. I did another 360, coming to a stop with the flashlight focusing on the crawl space opening: Nothing was there.

I turned around and viewed the canvas cover on Rat's bike shed. It was flopping around in the wind, like a dozen ghostly hands trying to attract me. I decided to check out the shed as a thunderclap greeted my presence and overwhelmed my senses.

Peering in, nothing seemed out of place, except the cold wind that was now assaulting my beard.

Satisfied there was nothing more that I could do, I went back in and left Rat a note. I drifted off to sleep reading [what else?] a haunted house novel. The real lightning and thunder augmented the experience tremendously.

As I woke up the next morning, I saw a scribble from Rat: "Looks like we got a visitor last night under the house. Hope it's gone now."

Yes, I hope it's gone too. But what was it?

And why did I just hear a spooky thump in the living room as I write this?!

Fun Things In Bed--Not!

Tue, 01 Sep 2009 10:58:14 GMT

Well I had a very interesting morning. Let's just say that I experienced an end result of that biker beer video that I posted yesterday.

Yup, there I was, in the middle of a dream. It was around 8AM. I was dreaming of pissin' in a toilet. I could hear water swishing in the background. Then when I woke up, and discovered...Hey guess what? Ahh...it wasn't a dream!

Not exactly my cup of tea.

I suppose this means nobody will ever want to sleep with me again...

New Club Mud Biker Video

Mon, 31 Aug 2009 08:40:09 GMT

OK, so I stole part of the U.S. D.O.T. commercial that's been airing over and over again (mostly on the Republican-friendly, Democrat-hating Fox) TV network. It looks even more exciting, after I slowed it down to 1/2 speed. Sounds better too!

Thinking about Badger, I know a few bikers who would fit in here quite well, and maybe even a little bit better fit than the clean-cut model pictured. But you get the idea.

And you know who you are.

Please report any "jerking" going on in the video. Since youtube went HD, our old-fangled computer can't keep up with all the data. It should look super-dooper, with a whopping 5 keyframes.

AWWW!

Fri, 28 Aug 2009 09:21:07 GMT

Warning! Snuggling May Be Habit Forming.

Castro Bar Owner Dead From Swine Flu

Wed, 26 Aug 2009 06:48:11 GMT

Doug Murphy, R.I.P.

Let's hope this isn't a harbinger of things to come. Doug Murphy, co-owner of Moby Dick bar in the Castro has died from the h1n1 swine flu. Docs theorize he contracted it at a gay resort in Palm Springs.

CDC may be overreacting, but is predicting roughly 1/2 of everybody in America to get infected with it this flu season. So far, it mostly had outbreaks in schools and nursing homes. But it can infect any large number of people when they are physically close to each other, such as in a bar.

Vaccines are due out in October. Who knows how good they are, but if you have a compromised immune system, it would be a good idea to take it easy until you get a shot.

Docs are telling people to wash their hands with soap. But I come with my own personal germ-killing liquid, should you desire.

Fun With Fundies

Fri, 21 Aug 2009 07:33:07 GMT

I absolutely want a copy of this thing!

(clicky for a larger, more intense view)

Proposed songs they might be singing:

Yes, My God Hates Homos
The Homo/Abortion Two-Step.
My God's A Republican; Your God's Dirt.

......Feel free to add your own titles/requests......

Fun With Vinegar -or- A Totally Organic Science Experiment!

Tue, 18 Aug 2009 08:31:15 GMT

When I opened up the keyboard on the jukebox I'm currently working on, I freaked. Never before had I seen so much corrosion. The keyboard consisted of 10 buttons with maybe a couple dozen totally corroded brass contacts on the switches, just below the buttons.

Nothing looked like brass. Everything was totally black with corrosion.

I'm a biker, so my usual arsenal when it comes to problems like this are chemicals. Spray cans of WD-40 or De-Oxit. And in this case, both were ineffective.

Well, occasionally A Harsh Chemical Biker can learn from A Barefoot Tree Hugging Hippie. Rat was the first to chime out:

"Have you tried vinegar?" Whereupon I yelled out: "What am I making, a fucking salad?!"

Sure enough, Distilled White Vinegar, cheaper than any chemical, and available at any damn grocery store, works like a champ. Unlike my failed Carburetor Bubbling In Vinegar experiment, this one passed with flying colors, and everything's shiny again.

But I'm still not sure I'm ready to go out and hug a tree....

Anybody wanna come over for a salad? The vinegar's just a little cloudy....

Good News For A Change!

Thu, 13 Aug 2009 08:44:55 GMT

Brad Pitt Belts It Out.

Brad Pitt, explaining why he hasn't married Angelina Jolie yet:

__________________________

"Maybe we'll get married when it's legal for everyone else."

"I stand by that comment, although I took a lot of flack for saying it last year. I get hate mail regularly from religious groups around the country. But I believe that everyone should have the same rights. They say gay marriage ruins families and hurts kids. Well, I've had a great privilege of seeing my gay friends being parents, and watching their kids grow up in a loving environment."

"Would it bother me if a child of mine turned out gay? No. Not one bit. I want my kids to live the life they want to live. I want them to be fulfilled. I hope to teach my kids to be who they really are."

"Man! I resent people telling others how to live! It really drives me mental! Just the other night, I heard this TV reverend. What damn right does anybody have to tell someone else how to love?! Especially if they're not hurting anyone?"

Fun At Great America

Tue, 11 Aug 2009 08:12:52 GMT

So there they were, suspended as much as 80 feet off the ground, motionless, temperatures exceeding 90º ... for about four hours today.

It's about as much fun as waiting for an infamous Santa Rosa red traffic light. Great America employees kept everyone hydrated while rescue crews tried to figure out how to rescue everybody. I assume that means water & soda pop.

But here's what I wanna know: What happens if you need to pee while you're up there?

Just curious...

And It's Happy Birthday....

Mon, 10 Aug 2009 07:28:53 GMT

B E A S T !